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Tag Archives: Humor
Epic and Honest Mobile Home Commercial
Posted in Art with Some Attitude
Tagged Commericals, Epic Humor, Humor, Mobil Home Sales
Truths For Mature Adults
- I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
- Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
- I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
- There is great need for a sarcasm font.
- How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
- Was learning cursive really necessary?
- Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
- Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
- I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
- Bad decisions make good stories.
- You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
- Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection…again.
- I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
- I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
- I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
- I wish Google Maps had an Avoid Ghetto routing option.
- I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
- How many times is it appropriate to say What? before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?
- I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
- Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
- Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
- Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and pinning the tail on the donkey—but I’d bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!
- The first testicular guard, the Cup, was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
- Ladies…..Quit Laughing.
Like this:
Words You Don’t Hear Anymore
post sent by Dan Morris
- Be sure to refill the ice trays, we’re going to have company. [I say this because my ice maker is always broken!]
- Watch for the postman, I want to get this letter to Willie in the mail today.
- Quit slamming the screen door when you go out!
- Be sure and pull the windows down when you leave, it looks like a shower is coming up. [I say this.]
- Don’t forget to wind the clock before you go to bed.
- Wash your feet before you go to bed, you’ve been playing outside all day barefooted.
- Why can’t you remember to roll up your britches legs? Getting them caught in the bicycle chain so many times is tearing them up.
- You have torn the knees out of that pair of pants so many times there is nothing left to put a patch on.
- Don’t you go outside with your school clothes on! [I say this since here in Louisiana schools they wear uniforms.]
- Go comb your hair, it looks like the rats have nested in it all night.
- Be sure and pour the cream off the top of the milk when you open the new bottle.
- Take that empty bottle to the store with you so you won’t have to pay a deposit on another one.
- Put a dish towel over the cake so the flies won’t get on it. [I put a dish towel over the cakes when they come out the oven because my mother always did that. LOL, now I know why she did it!]
- Quit jumping on the floor! I have a cake in the oven and you are going to make it fall if you don’t quit! [I sometimes say this.]
- Let me know when the Fuller Brush man comes by, I need to get a few things from him.
- You boys stay close by, the car may not start and I will need you to help push it off. [LOL]
- There’s a dollar in my purse, get 5 gallons of gas when you go to town.[LOL]
- Open the back door and see if we can get a breeze through here, it is getting hot. [I say this when we have a hurricane and the lights go out for weeks.]
- You can walk to the store; it won’t hurt you to get some exercise. [I say this since we have 2 small little stores in walking distance.]
- Sit closer to the radio, don’t turn it up so loud.
- Don’t lose that button; I won’t be able to sew it back on.
- Wash under your neck before you come to the table, you have beads of dirt and sweat all under there. [I tell them just to go wash the dirt off if they come in dirty.]
- Get out from under the sewing machine; pumping it messes up the thread!
- Be sure and fill the lamps this morning so we don’t have to do that tonight in the dark. [I say this when we have a hurricane and the lights go out for weeks.]
- Here, take this old Sears and Roebuck catalog to the toilet with you when you go, we are almost out of paper out there. [LOL]
- Go out to the well and draw a bucket of water so I can wash dishes. [LOL]
- Don’t turn the radio on now, I want the battery to be up when the Grand Ole Opry comes on.
- No! I don’t have 10 cents for you to go to the show. Do you think money grows on trees? [LOL]
- Eat those turnips, they’ll make you big and strong like your daddy. [My mother use to say this! LOL]
- That dog is NOT coming in this house! I don’t care how cold it is out there, dogs don’t stay in the house. [No, a lot of people treat their dogs better than they treat their children these days or just as well as they treat their children.]
- Sit still! I’m trying to get your hair cut straight and you keep moving and it is all messed up.
- Hush your mouth! I don’t want to hear words like Dad Gummit! I’ll wash your mouth out with soap! [LOL]
- It is time for your system to be cleaned out. I am going to give you a dose of castor oil tonight. [Oh! memories of childhood.]
- Quit crossing your eyes! They will get stuck that way! [LOL]
- Soak your foot in this pan of kerosene so that bad cut won’t get infected.
- When you take your driving test, don’t forget to signal each turn. Left arm straight out the window for a left turn; left arm bent up at the elbow for a right turn; and straight down to the side of the door when you are going to stop. [LOL]
- It’s: Yes Ma’am! and No Ma’am! to me, young man, and don’t you forget it! [Here in Louisiana, schools are trying to bring this one back.]
- Hurry up and finish drying the dishes so we can go ketch sum lightnin bugs and pit ‘em in a jar.
- Y’all come back now, ya hear. [Down here, we still say this. Only it’s Y’all come back, now. or Don’t be strangers.]
I truly regret some of you [who] are [so ] young enough that you missed out on most of these great memories.
Like this:
How Deer Think
post sent by email
Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan , was being interviewed by a liberal journalist, an animal rights activist. The discussion came around to deer hunting.
The journalist asked, “What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, Are you my friend? or is it Are you the one who killed my brother?
Ted Nugent
Nugent replied, “Deer aren’t capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, what am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the Democrats in Congress.”
The interview ended.
Like this:
Posted in Stories and Quotes To Brighten Your Day
Tagged Humor, Hunters, Louisiana, political humor, politics
Jesus and the Democrat
post by author unknown
A Republican in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked, “Is that Jesus sitting over there?” The waitress nodded “yes,” so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.
The next patron to come in was a Libertarian with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, “Is that Jesus, over there?” The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, “My treat.”
The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, “Hey there honey! How’s about getting me a cold mug of Miller Light?” He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, “Isn’t that God’s† boy over there?” The waitress nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold beer. “On my bill,” he said loudly.
As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said, “For your kindness, you are healed.” The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door. Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, “For your kindness, you are healed. “The Libertarian felt his back straightening up and he raised his hands, praised the Lord, and did a series of back flips out the door. Then, Jesus walked towards the Democrat, just smiling. The Democrat jumped up and yelled, “Don’t touch me…I’m collecting disability.”
Posted in Laugh, Laugh, Laugh
Tagged American Government, christians, Humor, Louisiana, politics
Johnny Carson Show #2
Okay…you’re going to laugh!
Things That make you say: “Jesus Help Me!”
What would you do?
"Oh! Shit!" The only thing TO say.
The car went in backwards? How in the h....!
Yhea, this is a situation I'd like to be in!
"Hello! Just need to get through!"
Do you think they capsized?
Wow!
Luckily for the glass!
What do you do...stay sitting, read to it, or run?
Everything that goes up MUST come down!
No argument! That's teeth!
There's absolutely nothing to say!
Posted in Stories and Quotes To Brighten Your Day
Tagged christians, Humor, Louisiana, Photos
Dentist and Viagra
post by unknown author
[This will make you laugh out loud!]
The dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot.
“No way! No needles. I hate needles,” the patient said.
The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects.
“I can’t do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!”
The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.
“No objection,” the patient says. “I’m fine with pills.”
The dentist then returns and says, “Here’s a Viagra tablet.”
The patient says, “Wow! I didn’t know Viagra worked as a pain killer!”
“It doesn’t,” said the dentist, “but it’s going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth.”
